Unki Ehmiyat hamare Dil mein !

Mere naam se pehle har jagah,

Naam Unka likha jaata hai,

Har baat mein meri, 

Zikar Unka pehle aata hai,

Har khayal mein mere,

Dhyan Unka pehle aata hai,

Aankh khulti baad mein hai,

Chehra Unka magar pehle nazar aata hai,

Saans baad mein aata hai mujhe,

Unki maujudgi ka ehsaas pehle leta hun lekin,

Kambakhat kahun ya fir tareef karun iski,

Ye dil agar aya bhi to kis par aaya hai,

Wo to 'lol' kehkar,

Humse nazar chura lete hain,

Kaise Unhe yakeen karaen ye majaak nahi,

Hamari jindagi ki wo Jaan bane baithe hain,

Lutf zindagi ka hum bhi uthana chahate hain magar,

Hamari chahat ki baahein Wo thaame baithe hain,

Waqt ka tark dekar,

Wo samjhate hain hamein,

Lekin kaise Unhe samjhaun 

Ke waqt wahin rok kar rakha hai maine,

Aage chalne ki na to koi aarzu hai,

Na hi wajah,

Haan agar Tera saath rahe to jee lunga main thoda aur abhi,

Warna is fakeer ke jeevan mein aur bacha hi kya hai,

Log beshak jalte hain aaj hamein kahin dekhkar,

Hasi aati hai unpar, rona khud par,

Jab sochta hun,

Ke maine aakhir paaya hi kya hai,

Heera aake dig peya si galti naal is fakeer di jholi che, 

Asi oh vi aap hathin luta baithe,

Ki thaan hai Udi mere dil che,

Kaash khol ke main unu dikha sakda,

Yakeen taan bhaave kara vi dawan main Usnu,

Kiven faryaad karaan par Us Rabb moore,

Ke Oh mud meri Heer nu lad mere ban deve,

Phhulaan waang rakhun saambh saambh,

Ik aakhri vaar Ardaas meri sun lave taan sahi,

Khada hun saamne- jholi khaali, hath jod, baahein failaaye,

Kahun bhi to kya kahun main,

Bas thak chuka hun ab akele is jeevan se ladte,

Saath mil jaaye Tera to JEE lunga kuch aur pal,

Time to aaj tak bhi kaata hi hai,

Nahi jaanta main ke thik kar raha hun ya nahi,

Par itna zarur hai ke jeena nahi chahta hun aur Tere bin,

Ya dava de Tu,

Ya fir dede zehar,

Apni life ka sabse bada daav laga kar,

Hum Teri mehfil mein khade hain,

Baaki sab sambhaal lene ke liye hum pade hain,

Bas ik saath Tera mil jaaye,

Life meri sambhaalne ke liye !

Zehan mein hai kya aakhir ?

Ab log puchte hain ke likhta kyun nahi,

Koi hamein bataye ke sanam hamara hum par marta hai ya nahi,

Jaan usey maan kar hum jee rahe hain kahin,

Iska ehsaas usey hota hai ya nahi,

Manzil maan kar bas usey aakhri,

Hum ruk chuke hain jeevan mein yahin,

Kya usey is baat ka ilam hai ya nahi,

Hum bhi chahte hain kabhi unse pamper hona,

Ye baat unke zehan mein hai ya nahi,

Chahte hain wo kabhi hamein bhi apna kahen,

Ab kab tak akele thokaren khaate rahen hum yun hi,

Zulfon se unki khelna chahte hain hum,

Kabhi wo hamara bhi haath thaamein to sahi,

Kitna aur yun hi safar intezaar mein kaatna hai hamein,

Kabhi koi ye bhi to clear karke bataye hamein,

Aaj tak bhatka hun na jaane kya paane ki tayaari mein,

Mila hi kya hai sochta hun jab nazar peeche jaati hai,

Kya paane ki chahat mein kya kya kho diya hai maine,

Saham jaata hun har pal jab khayal udhar jaata hai,

Sochta hun na jaane dun khayal bhi kabhi us taraf,

Lekin pal pal hi wo pagal sab kuch yaad karata hai,

Khade to aaj bhi hain hum wahin par,

Na jaane kyu fir bhi samaa kuch badla badla sa lagta hai,

Rongte khade hote hain aaj bhi,

Aakhir kiya kya tha maine us pal,

Bas ek mohabaat hi to ki thi,

Dilo Jaan se wo bhi,

Saari duniya ki nazron ne wo padh liya,

Jo humne kabhi kaha bhi nahi,

Jaane kaise wo bekhabar reh gye,

Jinhe khud se zada pehchana humne,

Galti na jaane meri hi thi,

Kyun Rabb se upar darja Unhe diya tha aakhir,

Ke aaj tak parikrama unke charon taraf hoti hai hamari,

Uparwala bhi shayad isiliye rootha hai humse,

Uske saamne jo ye mukaam Unhe diya hai humne,

Saari duniya ke saamne kabool karte hain hum,

Dur bhi na ho paaye hum Tumse chah kar,

Har pal saaye se zada kareeb mere khayal Tumhara raha,

Khuli ho ya band, har waqt nazar mein chehra Tumhara hi raha,

Log kehte rahein chahe ke bewakufi hai ye,

Mera dil jaanta hai sabse sahi faisla mera ye hi raha,

Intezaar ab to ya unka hai ya maut ka,

Saala kabhi koi jaldi se aaye to sahi,

Ab agar mar bhi gaye to parwaane ki maut marenge, 

Kam se kam shama ke ujale mein to faut hogi,

Lekin agar jee gye to Khuda kasam,

Pusht dar pusht hamare Deewanepan ki bhi misaal di jayegi,

Bas yehi dua hai ab to,

Ke arzi hamari ki darkhwast bhi amal ho jaaye kahin,

Kam se kam Ranjhe waale pind de is Vikram nu te udi Heer saleti mil jaaye,

Uddan te hun asi mann de nahi,

Fer v Tere layi hath jod de haan Us Rabb moore,

Ohi Ardaas fer karde haan,

Je koi v changa kam main kade kitta hai, 

Usda mol ithe paade,

Meri Heer nu mera banade o Rabba,

Meri Heer nu mera banade !!!

My Life Depends on your Understanding !

Tujhe kya sunaun main dilruba,
Tere saamne mera haal hai,
Teri ik nigaah ki baat hai,
Meri zindagi ka sawaal hai.

Tujhe kya sunaun main dilruba,
Meri har khushi tere dam se hai,
Meri zindagi tere gham se hai,
Meri har khushi tere dam se hai,
Meri zindagi tere gham se hai.

Tere dard se rahe bekhabar,
Mere dil ki kab ye majaal hai,
Teri ik nigaah ki baat hai,
Meri zindagi ka sawaal hai.

Tujhe kya sunaaun main dilrubaa,
Tere husn par hai meri nazar,
Mujhe subah shaam ki kya khabar,
Tere husn par hai meri nazar,
Mujhe subah shaam ki kya khabar.
Meri shaam hai Teri justaju,
Meri subah Tera khayaal hai.

Tujhe kya sunaun main dilrubaa,
Mere dil jigar mein samaa bhi jaa,
Mere dil jigar mein samaa bhi jaa,
Rahe kyun nazar ka bhi faaslaa,
Mere dil jigar mein samaa bhi jaa.

Ke Tere baghair o jaan-e-jaan,
Mujhe zindagi bhi muhaal hai,
Tujhe kya sunaun main dilruba,
Tere saamne mera haal hai.

Teri ik nigaah ki baat hai,
Meri zindagi ka sawaal hai,
Tujhe kya sunaaun main dilrubaa.....

Bas ek Aarzoo........

Koi humse hamara haal bhi pooch le to hasi aati hai,

Kya kahen, Kya na kahen,
Zubaan hi lafzon ki talaash par chali jaati hai.

Logon ke poochne par, Ke hamari Koi hai ya nahin?,
Aakhir kab tak jawab mein 'SORT OF' kehte rahen Hum,
Ye soch kar kabhi khoob hasi aati hai.

Suna hai koshish karne par Uparwaala bhi haasil ho jaata hai,
Na jaane mera Khuda kitna kathor hai lekin,
Ke kabhi Bhole Naath ko paa lena zada aasaan lagta hai.

Kis kadar hamara ik-ik pal Unki soch mein guzarta hai,
Ye soch kar kabhi IAS nikaal lena zada aasaan lagta hai.

Waise to saat samundar paar bhi ik duje ka khoob khayaal rehta hai,
Chup rehkar bhi ye nazren bahut kuch keh-samajh leti hain aapas mein,
Na milkar bhi nazar bani rehti hai har harkat par,
Fir bhi na jaane kyun, dono ke beech ik sawaal bana rehta hai.

Waise to duniya hamare optimism ki misaal deti hai,
Jitna apna attitude positive hai, utna hi negative bhi,
Jaane dono ke beech ka faasla pal mein hi kab/kahan/kyun/kaise simat jaata hai lekin.

Log khush naseeb maante hain hamein,
Lekin aakhir kitne lucky hain,
Ye to mera dil hi jaanta hai.

Kisi baat ki kami na chodi Dene waale ne,
Lekin jo reh gaya, Wo to mera Dil hi jaanta hai.

Kya ehmiyat hai mere liye Teri,
Tujhe ehsaas ho na ho,
Par itna zarur yaad rakh - Meri har saans tere saath ki mauhtaaj hai.

Chahe Tujhe ye paagalpan lage ya fir bewakoofi,
Humne to Yaar paak Mohabbat ki hai,
Tujhe paane ke liye har sache dar par Ibadat ki hai.

Tujhe ye kaala jaadu lage ya kuch aur,
Humne to har pal sache Dil se sirf ek hi dua maangi hai.

Na hi Tere pairon mein girkar,
Na hi koi ehsaan lekar,
Just khushi-khushi Tujhe apna banane ki,
Meri khud se ladayi hai,
Yehi kasam maine khayi hai.

Aarzu hai Teri baahon mein jeene-marne ki,
Bas ab to yehi jeevan ki asli kamayi hai.........

Kya Chahta hun Main

Wo subha bhi kaali raat jaisi jo teri good morning se shuru na ho,

Wo din bhi maut jaisa jiska aaghaz tere have a nice day se na ho,

Wo pal hi kis kaam ke jo tere/ tere khayaal ke bina guzrein,

Kaise tujhe bataein tu kya hai mere liye,

Teri maujudgi se main khud ko bhi pehchaan nahi paata hun,

Main tera kaun hun, kya hun, sab bhool jaata hun,

Meri zindagi mein teri kya ehmiyat hai main kya kahun,

Ek aur sirf ek hi insaan ke liye main jeena chahta hun,

Mann hi mann usey Bhagwaan maan baitha hun,

Zajbaaton mein beh jaata hun kabhi,

Kya kehna hai kya nahi pehchaan bhi nahi paata hun,

Jaane kis baat se tujhe thes pahunch jaaye,

Ghabraata bhi rehta hun,

Par fake kuch nahi kar paata hun,

Lage haath ek baat aur bhi kabool karta hun meri jaan,

Ab tere bina jeene ka soch bhi nahi paata hun,

Na hi sochna chahta hun Main,

Kis tarah ek ek pal tere bina guzara hai,

Pal pal ki yaad mein kaise saal nikalte hain,

Sirf mera dil hi jaanta hai,

Ab dur hone ki aur himmat nahi kar sakta hun main,

Aur kuch nahi ab apne liye jeena chahta hun main,

Bas isi kaaran kabhi kabhi thoda behak jaata hun main,

Sach kahun to aakhir saath mein tujhe bhi khush dekhna chahta hun main.

Ki Dassiye.......

Tenu hun ki dasiye,

Jadon v Tera cheta aaunda hai,

Pair aap hi Univ val nu tur painde ne,

M.Tech-PhD te ik bahana ne,

Asal che taan gawacha time mud jeen da iraada hai.

Fee counter de baahar hath aap hi phone nu labhde ne,

Hun vi missed call maaran nu phirde ne,

Dept de bahar puj ke akhaan auditorium wal nu jhaak diyaan ne,

Aaj vi kise de aan da intezaar kardiyaan ne.

PinkPetals-Googies de muron langde ohi chehre labb diyaan ne akhaan,

Ohi gaane sun de ne kanaan nu (Googies waale),

Railing te aap hi nazar tik jaandi hai.

Lower Summer hill di oh dukanaan,

Samose ate gulaab jamum de naal chaa,

Oh besan di barfi,

Lower bazaar (sabzi mandi) waala mix achaar,
Oh blossom waala soup,
Oh hostel che Maggi te rongi-chawl,

Aje vi swaad muh vich taaze ne.

Advance, Kaamna Devi, Tara Devi de oh nikke-nikke trips,
Oh mangiyaan Duavaan,
Thandi sadak te payi laal-laal fulaan de pankhadiyaan di chaddar,

Thalle chaldi hoyi train di awaaz,

Maadi-maadi meeh diyaan kaniyaan,

Thandi-thandi wagdi hawa,
Ucche-ucche drakhtaan de wichon paindi nimmi-nimmi dhup da matha-matha sek,
Haule-haule chalde saade kadam,

ITI de kol mod te kuch khichyaan tasveeraan,

Aaj v oh nazaare udaan hi nazraan de moore ghumde ne,

Jadon vi yaar puraane uthon landge ne.
Jadon vi yaar puraane uthon landge ne.

Something Closely Related......

Wo Kehti Hai..............

Wo kehti hai ke mujh layak nahi,
Main samajhta hun main us layak nahi,
Magar dard dur rehne ka dono hi samajhte khoob hain.

Wo kehti hai ek frame mein nahi dekhti mujhe saath apne,
Hairani is baat ki nahi,
Balki is baat ki hai ke itne saalon baad bhi uski nazron mein mandap pe dusri seat khaali hai.

Usey lagta hai main seh na paunga behavior uska,
Ab kaise samjhayen is behavior ke chalte hi to aaj tak kisi aur ko notice karne ki hasrat na hui.

Kehne ko to wo mujhe khud se dur karti hai,
Phir dil ke sabhi raaz mujhse discuss karti hai.

Banti to khud ko badi Don hai,
Par bhul jaati hai dhoka khud ko hi de rahi hai.

Meri nazron se dekhe to maloom ho usey,
Badmaash nahi balki kitni sensitive ladki hai wo.

Jo khud ko nazar andaz karke couples ke dress color combinations ko observe karti hai,
Bachpan ke khilono ki tarah sabhi yaadon ko har waqt apne sath rakhti hai,
Gift mili har choti se choti cheez ko sambhaal ke rakhti hai,
Uski wajah se kisi aur ko dukh na pahunche isliye khud dukh seh leti hai.

Chaahe laakhon us se behtar hi kyun na hon,
Usey kaise ehsaas karayen ke hamari nazron mein wo hi anmol hai,
Keval uske liye hi jiye hain hum,
Aur ye koi philosophy nahi,
Balki jeevan ki sachaai hai,

Aur aisi hi rahegi.

Aakhir humein milna hi tha Humdum,
Chaahe kisi raah bhi nakalte.......!

YOU are my Confidence, my Faith, my God

Zinda hun lekin wo baat nahi hai, Haathon mein Tera jo haath nahi hai....

Each day seems to be a date now,
I have killed these years without you my Darling, sincerely challenging the Gods while sleeping that I do not wake up ever if they do exist,
I used to curse them badly the moment my sleep got broke & I found myself alive,
Why did they leave me alive if they can't help me be with my LIFE?

I used to pray that the vehicle that I am traveling in meets an accident & only I die.
Even tried having super salty solutions a couple of times but not much electrolyte imbalance plus death, rather started having a hate feeling for salt.
I used to drink water outside, even at the most prone areas with a hope that I catch up some Hepatitis type infection like I got in 2007 & this time I do finally die,
But I was never that lucky.

I had actually found only 2 reasons worth living for,
I thought I had lost the first one in the year 2009,
The other blow came in the year 2012- this one being irreparable.
The life came to a halt, a direction-less journey to nowhere.
All became just a social formality.

I used to have a nice sense of humor, fond of listening to music,
All got lost somewhere.
Stopped looking at the mirror while dressing, polishing shoes, didn't purchase any new clothes, stopped writing.
Bound myself into a room with a few irrelevant books.

Used to go to the Univ once a while,
But that used to pinch like hell.
Something was missing.
Thought a lot, forgot a lot.
But couldn't help.

I wanted to revive myself,
I wanted to get my LIFE back.
Was hard to accept the realities.
Although there was a dead sure Confidence,
But feared exercising the same.

Had waited for long,
Just for the right time.
I thought I could handle this pain forever,
But I lost here.

I just believe its not too late.
Have grown up listening that it is never too late to do anything if you make up your mind once.
Existence of God for me now is based on the fulfillment of ONLY ONE WISH.
I don't want anything else.

Now I can say that somewhere the so called God has been a bit kind in making us meet once again.
I can only pray & hope for a happy ending to our so called love story. Afterall, the end result does matter.

I can say that your presence has brought a genuine smile on my face after a long-long time.
I am really fed up of tackling this mean world alone.

Taking decisions has always been difficult task for me.
Right from handling significant amount of money, whether to create FD, RD, put into PPF, how to file income tax return, how to handle the family pension account in the name of my mother to what color to be painted on the walls, how the shifting of home is to be undertaken-all these decisions were not easy at all.

Those who now project themselves to be my closest to the extent as considering me for their daughter that too mentioning age old stories, were nowhere to be found.
I managed everything on my own.

The shlok from Shiv Chalisa proved to be true : 

Maat, Pita, Bhrata Sab koi, 

Sankat mein poochat nahi koi!

I found myself walking alone on the Chhota Shimla - Pari Mahal road as a routine carrying things to be shifted. I had this task left unfinished by my father to be completed.

Used to cry while cleaning the house, fixing tubelights and what not;
Always expecting a call from my only 2 most dearest people.
Even a sight of whom used to relive all my worries.
A special kind of Confidence not found elsewhere,
A Confidence that everything will be fine.
A Confidence that I am not alone.
A Confidence that this shall also pass.

Whenever in a fix, I used to close my eyes and predict what they would have done had they been in the same place.
Even the wall colors were decided by me as per their choice.
Blue in my room, maroon in the drawing area came out to be easy choices for me based on the favorite colors of my most favorite person.

I don't know whether it's right or wrong to say so, but I can't afford to lose you now.
I tried once but lost from myself. I am not that brave.

If given a wish, I want to sacrifice everything but I would ask ONLY for YOU from God.
 
Everything feels secure with you around.
I seriously get afraid when you go out of sight.

I maybe behaving like a child, but I am actually fed up acting like elders now.
I am the smallest at home but these years have made me act like a very brave mature person.
But truly speaking, I am not that brave, the child in me could never come out freely.
Firstly, it was school, then career, family etc, isi mein time nikal gaya saara.

Tab delay karte rahe, ke apne liye kuch karenge ya maangenge jab sahi time aayega.
Jab khade hue apne pairon pe, to ye ni samajh aata ke maangun kis se.

Kaash I could tell my father today, ke Papa mere liye ek baar baat karlo yaar.
And I know for sure ke mere itna kehne se pehle hi unhone khud pahunch jaana tha to talk about me.
He used to get sad to feel that I have sacrificed something I could not live without for his sake, taaki Unko bura na lage.
On his repeated conversations, I used to change the topic just in wait for the right time.
Wish I could tell him today to talk on my behalf as the right time has finally come according to me, for which I had waited for sooooooooooo loooooooooong.

I don't do something until I am fully comfortable myself,
Yahi baat thi jisne pehle marwa diya mujhe,
But pata nhi why, I still feel that I was not wrong in my place.

And that's not something I am just saying for the sake of saying but I do mean each & every word I utter.
Either I do something whole heartedly, or I don't do that at all. But I can't bear anything just for formality.

I know I am being rudely selfish, perhaps for the first time in life. But its for a reason. At this point of time too,
Je Tun agge lang geya, Tenu fark ni paina,
Par je hun vi main piche hat geya, mera kakh ni rehna !!

I really cannot fake myself anymore.
I cannot resist to accept anymore that I cant live without my LIFE.

Unfortunately I cannot bring back my Dad but at least there is one more invaluable person whom I can pray for.

And I just hope I am not doing something very wrong.

Am I ?????

Happy Valentine's Day

Yakin ki hadd ke paas-pass,
Dil ko bharam ye ho raha hai,
Ke Unko humse Pyaar hai.....
Ke Unko humse Pyaar hai !

Let me proclaim to the world my dear, with your due permission, that I would like you to be mine. 

I may not be the perfect choice for you,

But neither have I met anybody 100% PERFECT till now.

You might have many better choices,

But maade to hum bhi itne jada ni hain shayad.

Differences hum dono mein bade hain,

But I have studied that similar forces repel each other.

Forgetting about the past,

Here I am with wide-open arms.

Just waiting !

Just waiting !

Just waiting !

Just waiting for your return !!

Some background music also needs place here:

Intehaa Uske Intezaar ki kis kadar rahi hogi,
Dekh kar jise aankhon ne saari nami riha kar di !!
------For the very special moment


Hey, dearest Cloud, down on my knees, I request you to come floating into my life,
No longer to carry rain or usher storm,
But finally to add color to my Sunset Sky. 
Will you ??

Kade keha si Tun........

This article was prepared on paper towards the end of year 2010. At that time, I had job offers from Tata Consultancy Services, Tech Mahindra, also to be National Chief Marketing Head at FreshersWorld, various Internship offers from Microsoft India Development Center, option to pursue MS/PhD from MUM, Iowa or any reputed institution etc. But I left everything for reasons still unknown. Maybe, because my Motivating M FACTOR, behind all these achievements was missing. 

A lesser known fact to the world is that I also appeared for an SSB interview at Allahabad (the so called Rejection Center) in 2010 (TGC entry), just out of curiosity. I was the first one to be screened in from the batch. Performed those silly tasks for the first time in life and that too quite impressively about which even I was at first doubtful. The entire board was shocked to hear a NO from me in the Conference to their last question whether I really wanted to join the Army.

At another instance, I also cleared the UPSC's CAPF exam but willfully remained absent from the next rounds of the selection process. I had to tell a few people that I got medical out; To some I told that I got out in the ground tasks, just because nobody believes hearing the Truth these days.

Na, I had some other tastes & priorities. 

I should say that I had left everything to the Destiny-to the Free Flow of events. I cannot spoil my life imitating others, that too for no good reason.

I could not manage typing this article then & hence it was not published on this blog. But today, thankfully due to some public demand, I am able to present it here for The sincere reader.

DISCLAIMER: By no means I intend to hurt anybody's sentiments.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke Bilaspur/ Hamirpur/ Chandigarh/ Hoshiyarpur/ Jalandhar ni jaana paina.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke ghar deyaan ton bahar ni jaana.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke haddon bahar ni jaana.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke wich pardesaan vi naal hi jaana.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke ik-dooje de wagair ni reya jaana.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke menu gharon bhaja ke le jaana paina.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke meri behan de through mere ghar wadna paina (je hundi te).

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke saari umar saath nibhaana.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke  PERFECT MARRIAGE MATERIAL haan main.

Kade pucheya si Tun,
Ke B.Tech ton baad ki karna.

Wekh lai, aj asi Pune-Bangalore rehan joge ho gaye,
Foreign assignments ate bahar education lain joge ho gaye,
Tere-Mere ghar deyaan naal gal karan joge ho gaye.

Saari gallan chadd,
Aj asi Tere ghar jaan joge ho gaye.

Tenu bhajaun joge ho gaye,
Teri Maa naal gal karan joge ho gaye.

Jine muhon kaddi har gal poori karayi hai,
Us Sheran Waali da shukraana,
Tere shahar karke aawange.

Thehar ek mahina,
Tere shahar nu salaam karke aawange.

Dukh taan bas eho hi hai,
Jis layi sab mangeya si,
Aj ohi mere naal nahi hai.

Maneya ke saara kam kharaab karan wala main hi si,
Kise ton menu koi gila nahi.

Par eh afsos zarur hai,
Ke jadon pugauniyaan hi ni si,
Te ini saari gallan kahiyaan hi kyun si.

Jede hunde si awaazan dooron maarde,

Aaj kolon di lange, bina bol ke.

Jehde kade saunde vi ni si bina bol ke,

Hun comment vi anonymous paa gaye:

Kade saahan toh pyaara si jo aakhde,
Aj assi KAUN ho gaye.

 Hun baariyan vi ohna bandh kitiyan,

Jo rakhde si boohe khol ke.

Oh waqtan de naal ucche ho gaye,
Niveyan di lodh na rahi.

Saanu kaudiyan nu pher kehda puchda,
Jad heereyan di thod na rahi.

Saanu sone ton vi mehnge mull dass ke,

Kakhan de bhaa gaye tol ke.

Eh taan yaar iddan hi hundi aayi hai,
Nava dastoor na koi.

Rakh oye Vikram dardaan nu dil ch chupa ke,

Fayda ki hai dukh fol ke.

***

Main kenda vi si -
"Bache, Aashiq, Fakir sada masoom hi rende ne,
Ik vishwas che hi zindgi kat lende ne"

Hun vi main uthe hi khada haan,
Jithe aakhri var vekhya si Tain,
Te uthe hi hamesha khada milaanga Tenu,
Bas ik aas che..........

Bas ik aas che.......
That one day you'll return,
You'll return to be MINE, ONLY MINE, FOREVER ...!

Jai Mata Di - A Trip full of Reluctance, Petitions & Committment

This article was prepared on paper in the year 2011, about a month before my first family trip to Sri Vaishno Devi.
I could not manage typing it then & hence it was not published on this blog. But today, due to some unexplainable & mysterious happenings, I am able to present it here. Thank you Maa.

Aaj aa zarur raha hun Maa,
Par kuch chut raha hai.

Ye to keh nahi sakta,
Ke pehle bulawa nahi aaya,
Par fir bhi shukar hai,
Ke ab to aa raha hun Maa.

Ye to hai ke ab kisi aur jariye se aa raha hun,
Par chaliye, ghar to Aapke hi aa raha hun.

Kaafi socha (ek dharam sankat tha) ke ab us shahar kaise jaaun,
Ke is baar bhi irada badal dun,
Par kiya hua ek puraana waada yaad raha.

Ye bhi shayad koi wajah thi ke main 10 dinon se Mahabharat dekh raha tha,
Moral of the story aaj fir samajh aaya:

"Karam karo, fal tumhare haath mein nahi hai.
 Bas apne Dharam ka paalan karo, baaki tension chadd do"

----------- Sh Krishan Ji in conversation with Mr Arjun

Fir ultimately, maine bhi yahi tark nikala,
Ke afterall, hun to main bhi ek Dharam yudh ki condition mein hi.

Karam Kshetra se hi mujhe fir bulawa aaya hai,
Ab bhi agar main Karam nahi karunga,
Tab fir se Fite Mu.

Moreover, I am not fighting for a wrong cause. Actually, I am fighting with nobody but with myself for the past 2-3 years.

Atleast, I can now involve my dear Krishan ji into the picture (just for the sake of bit more security).

Rest, everybody knows the role He played during the greatest war,
Especially during the last fight between Bhima & Duryodhan.

Also, since Osama too could not be handled by the USA without moving into his territory,
I realised I too can take some lesson from this.

Now coming back to the point:

Hey Maa, kabhi maine socha tha ke Aapke Darbar mein hi Aapki beti se uska haath mangunga (even plan bhi kiya tha), par ye plan execute hone se pehle hi kuch aisa ho gaya, jo aaj tak meri samajh mein nahi aaya.

Kabhi lagta hai, ke meri apprach hi galat thi,
Obviously, galat to thi hi jo is Kalyug mein bhi itna delay kiya

Par main aa raha hun Maa,
Is baar khud Maa se hi beti ka haath maangne.

Aapka diya kaafi kuch hai Maa,
Khush rahegi beti Aapki.

Agar uske pasand ki koi cheez nahi bhi hai abhi,
To use bhi lage haath dedo Maa.


Aisa kaise ho payega,
Main nahi jaanta

Par haan Maa,
Itna zarur hai, ke itihaas gawah rahega is tareekh ka,
Ye itihaas hi hai,
Jo Aapki pooja karta hai,
Jo jaanta hai ke Aap apne bhakton ko khali haath nahi modti

Force to main bhi kisiko karta nahi,
But logon ka Aap par vishwas bana rahe,
Yahi meri dua hai Aapke liye bhi.

Baaki dekho Maa, ye bhakt khud to pehli baar hi pahunchega aapke Dar pe,
Par haan, mere kisse to pehle bhi pahunche hi hain Aapke paas.

Aapko unhi kisson ka waada Maa,
Apne is bete ka khyaal rakhna.

Agar is sangharsh ko Dharam yudh ki form mein le hi liya hai to please dekh lena Maa,
Main to keval hamesha ki tarah, haath jodkar naman ki karta hun.

Aapke paas kis cheez ki kami hai Maa,
Meri laaj rakhna.

Kirpa karo Maa,
Kai baar suni hai Aapne meri,
Ek baar fir sahi.

Zada jajbaati ho raha hun main,
Bas itna jaanta hun,
Ke agar pehle wo din dikhaye the Aapne,
To fir kyun nahin?

Story ki to Happy Ending honi chahiye na Maa,
Bhagwaan pe vishwas to tabhi karta hai insaan.

Agar meri file close bhi ho chuki ho to please use reopen karke priority pe re-investigate karwa do Maa.

Even the Bible says something very interesting about TRUE LOVE (1 Corinthians 13:4, 8) :

Aap to jaante hi ho Maa,
Par kuch khaas doston ki jaankaari ke liye:

Main aaj bhi wahin hun,
Wahin hun jahan Tumne mujhe aakhri baar dekha hoga,
Wahin hun, sirf ek intezaar mein.................

Tun, aa ki kitta?

This article was prepared on paper in the year 2009, sometime after May. But I could not manage typing it then & hence it was not published on this blog. But today, thankfully due to some public demand, I am able to present it here for The sincere reader.


Main kade socheya ni si,
Menu tain sochi paaya.

Main kade boleya ni si,
Menu tain bolan laaya.

Main kade kuch different khaanda ni si,
Menu tain khaan da chaj sikhaya (remember the tasteless soup?).

Main kade bela ghumda ni si,
Menu tain ghuman-gheriyan che paaya.

Main kade style ni si maarda,
Menu tain dressing sense waare sikhaya.

Main top ni si karda,
Menu tain topper vi banaya.

Main kade kise naal fazul gal ni si karda,
Aah wekh, menu tain likhan laata.

Main kade kise nu SMS ni si karda,
Tain mera inbox hi bharta.

Tun ki kitta mere layi,
Shayad tenu ehsaas nahi.

I have no shame in saying it but tain menu banda banaata.

Maneya ke main apne end te bahut kuj te ni kitta,
Sahi waqt da intezaar karda reha,
Par haan, man hi man che ik wadiya jeha ghar zarur bana leya si, jo tenu kade disya hi nahi.

Main darda si ke is faqir di jholi che jo ik heera aake dig peya hai oh kite kho na jaave.

Par, menu ki pata si ke jis ghar diyaan neehan (walls) nu main saja reha si, udi chatt te main paayi hi nahi.

Tain inna anna karta si ke kade chatt paan di lod hi mehsoos na hoyi (taken for granted).

Par, jhatka bada lageya jadon use chatt waali khaali thaan ton oh heera aape hi bhudak ke bahar chala geya, te main neehan hi bharda reh geya.
Tun, aa ki kitta?

Pata vi ni chaleya ke main sahi si ya galat,
Par experience te ehi kenda hai ke kachi neehan te chatt kade bauta der tikdi nahi; bhaaven oh tuhaade favourite tank de armour wargi majboot hi kyun na hove.

Mere ghar da future te aan waala time hi dassega,
Par chatt de bhaar thalle kite dab na jaayo Madam.

Jithe inna kuch tain sikhaaya menu,
Aa last waala judaai da lesson na vi sikhaandi te chalna si,
Par shayad ishq di padhayi ide wagair adhuri hi hundi hai,
Naale fer eh pata vi kiven chalu ke mere supne de ghar diyaan neehan di majbooti zaada hai ya teri chuni hoyi chatt di?

Mera Dil hi Jaanta hai........

This article was prepared on paper in the year 2011. But I could not manage typing it then & hence it was not published on this blog. Basically, this was written when I reluctantly returned back to HPU after deferring the job offers at Tech Mahindra & TCS. I had not applied for M.Tech there in the year 2010 just because I had started hating that place badly after 2009. An year was wasted. But I had no other option than returning back in the year 2011 as a Guest Faculty.


Jab un raahon se ab gujarta hun,
Mera Dil hi jaanta hai, kaisa mehsoos karta hun.

Jahan kabhi khud ko hi luta aaya tha main,
Aaj wahin par apna wajood talaash karta hun.

Jin raaston pe kabhi zindagi ka matlab seekha tha,
Aaj wahin ki dhool, dil ko dard pahunchati hai.

Jis jagah ne mujhe mujhse hi cheen liya,
Mera Dil hi jaanta hai, aaj wahan jaane se uspar kya gujarti hai.

Ye Jahaan samajhta hai ke main bahut khush hun,
Us anjaan ko kaise samajhaun apni is muskurahat ka raaz.

Jis jagah ka naam main nakshe se mita dena chahta tha (HPU),
Aaj wahin pahunchne ke liye jab bus ki raah dekhta hun,
Mera Dil hi jaanta hai, kaisa mehsoos karta hun.

Kuch jaane-pehchaane chehre jab mera ye badla roop dekhte hain,
Mera Dil hi jaanta hai, kaisa mehsoos karta hun.

Kadam na chahte hue bhi jab un raston pe badhte hain,
Mera Dil hi jaanta hai, kaisa mehsoos karta hun.

Maana ke mere padhaaye hue aaj bahut bade ban gaye hain,
Maana ke ab hum unke layak nahin,
Par jab ab auron ko majboori mein padhaana padta hai,
Keval mera Dil hi jaanta hai, kaisa mehsoos karta hun.

Jin kamron ke bahar baithkar saara-saara din gujarta tha,
Aaj unke andar jakar padhaata hun (ICDEOL),
Par jab bhi nazar bahar un sidiyon par padti hai (Hostel wali),
Mera Dil hi jaanta hai, kaisa mehsoos karta hun.

Hazaron nazren mujhse sawaal karti hain,
Ab unhe kaise samjhaun apni is haalat ka kaaran.

Aaj log mujhe apna guide banane ko taraste hain,
Ab unhe kaise samjhaun ke main kisi ko kya guide karunga,
Mera to apna Guide hi mujhe majhdaar chodkar kahin kho gaya hai.

Ab na to kisi aur ki aas baaki hai,
Na jeene ki hi aas baaki hai,
Bas Mera Dil hi jaanta hai us par kya guzar rahi hai.

Teri Rooh Jaane...........

This article was prepared on paper in the year 2009, sometime after May. But I could not manage typing it then & hence it was not published on this blog. But today, thankfully due to some mysterious change of events & public demand, I am able to present it here for The sincere reader.

Hoye asi haan kangaal te ki hoya,
Khateya Tun wi ki hai - Eh taan Teri rooh jaane

Hoye asi haan badnaam te ki hoya,
Kide karke hoye haan - Eh taan Teri rooh jaane

Hun bhul gayi saanu te ki hoya,
Keete si jo waade naal - Oh taan Teri rooh jaane

Hun bhaaven wekh ke Tusi bolde nahi,
Baanh fadh jediyaan katiyaan si shaaman - Oh taan Teri rooh jaane

FaceBOOK te vi bhaaven hun face naiyo karde,
Naal beh ke si jo padiyaan kitaaban - Oh taan Teri rooh jaane

Tain khaade hon ge bhaaven kayi pakwaan,
Jo swaad maah choleyaan da si Chandni View che - Oh taan Teri rooh jaane

Kaanon suniyaan hon giyaan bhaveen lakhaan galaan,
Jo meri akhaan cho padiyaan - Oh taan Teri rooh jaane

Suit taan bhaaven fer vi paaye hon ge kayi,
Par udon chocolate khaan da maza jo si - Oh taan Teri rooh jaane

Hass ke te Tu palla mera chadd ta,
Ki kho leya hai Tu - Eh taan Teri rooh jaane

Maneya ke bada kuch jitt leya hai Tu,
Par ki haareya hai - Eh taan Teri rooh jaane

Mannataan te hor vi mangiyaan hon giyaan kayi,
Par jehde banne si dhaage Kaamna Devi - Oh taan Teri rooh jaane

Rakhe taan hor vi honge kayi,
Par jehde rakhe si main naal - Oh vrat taan Teri rooh jaane

Aayiyan te hor vi hon giyaan kayi,
Par jedi 2 katthiyan missed calls da intezaar si - Oh taan Teri rooh jaane

Eh taan gila hovega ke main mileya nahi,
Na hi fer kade gal kitti,
Par ki si meri is harkat da raaz - Eh taan Teri rooh jaane

Hun inha gallan nu padh bhaaven haasa aanda hovega Tenu,
Par jo hai ida matlab - Oh taan Teri rooh jaane

Friday, the 13th of July 2012

It was a usual Friday morning. Got up at about 7:30am. Mummy had to goto Hoshiarpur to meet Naani who had come there to attend some ceremony. So Papa were supposed to drop her at ISBT. The bus was scheduled to depart at around 8:30.

We dropped the idea to go by car fearing delay in traffic jam, so both were ready to use our all time favorite scooter for the journey. They went at 7:50 and I, like always started waiting for Papa to arrive. Called at 8:20 to know that bus was on time and he was returning home. As he arrived, got fresh, we had our breakfast. Mummy had prepared the dal wala parantha- which nobody liked much. He got ready quickly while I was doing the utensils.

We both were planning to goto our new project site location-our new home (flat) undergoing wooden work. The carpenter-our dear Shah Nawaz Khan had called in for the cabinet handles in the drawing room which was almost the last task left (almost because constructing a house or a website is basically a never ending process). We decided to dismantle a very old wooden almira and use its phattas in the new bedrooms. I started with it.

As it was quite time consuming, Papa thought of delivering the handles in the mean time. Earlier our plan was to take those phattas together with us by car. But as usual, Papa were to quick to be stopped. 'Main aa gaya hune, fer kad de haan gaddi' was the reply. I kept on convincing 'O yaar khadlo, chal padte hain abhi'. But kithe ji? I was just able to hand my phone to him as he gave his own to Mummy in the morning. It was around 11:15am.

I completed the work, cleaned everything, piled up the phattas outside in the verandah by 12:30 and started waiting for him to arrive. I was watching TV when a person started banging the door of our next door neighbor at 1:20. I was annoyed a bit thinking some children might be playing. I went out to find a gas cylinder wala Khan saying-'Scooter wala gir gaya upar, jaldi chal'.

I gathered my senses in a while, took care keys immediately, wore my jeans, picked up cash lying on the TV kept for carpenter, bolted the door and ran.

Just outside Dr.Suman Trehan's clinic, he was lying down, the scooter being about 8 feet away. There was a lot of blood. My heart was trembling when I saw some blood oozing out of his left ear. He was confused when I saw him. Papa felt a sigh of relief seeing me. I made him sit on a near staircase. He wished to come home but I convinced to visit the hospital first. He handed over phone and cash in his shirt pocket to me.

I ran to bring the car parked at Strawberry Hills while two Khans were supporting him as he himself walked upto Boundary estate. As I brought the car, I saw an ambulance already there which was called for some other patient. As they knew us well, offered to take the ambulance as they'll call another one for themselves. I just threw car keys at Medicos shop and took the ambulance to IGMC.

Called my Chacha, then a Block Medical Officer who was luckily at HIPA for some training. We reached IGMC at 1:35. Papa were walking all through. Doctor was our neighbor so not many hassles. Got 3 stitches on forehead in the minor OT. I made him sip some water. Chacha too arrived, had some normal conversation. ENT people were predicting some damage to the eardrum as a reason for blood in the ear.

Doctors were finding him ok to take home but Chacha insisted on getting a CT done. Only at that time were Papa put on a trolley. CT was done, Papa were even worried whether I had picked up the shoes or not as it was a pair he had bought just a week back for me which he was wearing that day. Then we got to the Neurology department on a higher floor while Chacha was still discussing the CT inside. The lift was not working. The was no senior doctor present. The HoD was busy in PMT counseling.

An intern was there who was more interested in filling up useless case history form instead of undertaking immediate treatment as by that time Papa's breath was getting heavy. Chacha wasn't there and I was crying on phone for him to reach there ASAP. I was making Papa divert attention by my usual style 'Shah Niwaz mila tha Papa?' And he said 'Sab khatam ho gaya'.

I kept saying 'Nahi Papa sab theek ho jaana, kuch ni hua'. He hugged me as tightly as he could. Chacha arrived with a doctor, we took him inside the ward. The corner bed number 37 was assigned to him. He was given oxygen. We were holding each other tightly. Was trying to speak but not much was understandable. They were getting the OT ready. Doctors had located a 2ml blood clot near the brain. I guess he was undergoing an anaphylactic shock. It was horrifying.

I bought some medicines but could not stay in the room. His hair were cut and was being taken to the OT. I just sat blank on the floor outside. It was at that time Chacha asked 'Bhabhi nu dasta?' And I just handed over the mobile to him. Mummy was just outside the house where she was supposed to reach. She just took the same rickshaw back to the bus stand as it was time for the last bus to Hoshiarpur from that village.

I also received a phone call from Moudgil uncle. He was expecting Papa to pick up the phone as they were supposed to meet in the afternoon. He too arrived in a while. By 3:50 Papa was inside the OT. I heard Pappu Chacha call Babbu Chacha in Delhi that Kuku has had a fatal fall. The word fatal was hard to hear.

By 8pm a doctor came out of the OT with a tray full of blood. It was 750ml that they had drained from the brain. I just asked - 'Theek to hain na?' And his reply was 'Aise case difficult hote hain. Blood has been drained on time, rest wait and watch.' They shifted him soon to the ICU. Thanks to the VVIP treatment and a ventilator being offered to us which is often easily denied to many.

By around 10:30pm Mummy had reached alongwith Chachi & Aman who joined her at Chandigarh. My brother also reached from Rohru. And we were just left hugging each other.
A sigh of relief that not much delay was caused. The next wait started for the effect of anesthesia to get over.

July 14:
Papa were still not fully conscious. We thought it to be effect of anesthesia. By afternoon, doctors were quite satisfied. Motor response was there. Though the ventilator was on, the dosage Norad and Dopamine was low, even the oxygen supply was under 40%. Continuous blood tests went on but still not conscious.

July 15:
Friends at PGI were consulted by Chacha telephonically. They too were satisfied with treatment at IGMC and said no need to shift till in ICU.

July 16:
Doctors from cardiology department attended in the morning to rule any heart related problem. A new term called Edema was brought to light. The blood collected had caused swelling inside the brain which was not letting brain to awake properly. So the next wait started to let the Edema subside. By afternoon, we carried Papa outside the ICU on our own risk for a CT scan to rule out any further internal bleeding which was OK. All through this, he was breathing on his own.

July 17:
The dosage of Norad and Dopamine was still on to maintain the blood pressure but still no consciousness. We were getting anxious. PGI people informed that one of their best MS in Neurosurgery has joined IGMC just a day back. We quickly got hold of him through phone and somehow managed to bring him from Junga by evening. After all his patient checkup, he was convinced about Edema and made slight changes in the medication. Though a fear was highlighted that the edema should not obstruct the spinal cord near the neck. Edema should have subsided according to him by 3-4 days. We had no option but to wait and watch. By evening, the nurse called 'Bed No.6- please get some hand towels and water to sponge the patient'. We just ran to bring all things hoping to see him opening eyes which were just partially open. He responded when Mummy touched his hand by folding his palm a bit. Body motor response was OK in medical terms which were good signs of improvement.

July 18:
Another similar CT scan in the early morning followed by an Ultrasound to rule out any other internal injury but was OK. The sight of him in OT dress for ultrasound while me holding the drip was just unbearable. I could not see my father in pain, not responding to my voices. Doctors were doubting some renal trouble. Some blood tests were recommended other that the usual ones which were to be carried out through a private agency. A urine sample was also needed which could be managed only through giving steroids. I know my driving speed all through these journeys. We managed to rush the samples there on time. One time sample was not enough. So the nurse gave another shot of steroid which I don't think was desired. The time was 2:15pm. At about 4:30, team of doctors rushed into the ICU No 6. We all were looking from outside. The scene was terrible. Doctors giving shocks to Papa and he was rising up and down. Everything stopped at that moment. He just had a cardiac arrest. We were in tears, hugging and praying. The BP started fluctuating again, they could revive him.

The sight was frightening. The process continued. The night was hard to pass. We all were outside the ICU. Praying to all the Gods we could remember. I had already surrendered everything - Bhagwan kuch ni chahiye life me kabhi bhi, bas aaj dekhle. But He had no sympathy. At about 12:50am, Aman went to see the vitals. Returned crying to wake up Chacha lying on the rack in the corridor. It also started raining out of nowhere for sometime. That was it.

He had left us about half a hour earlier. Even something called God ceased to exist for me. 2012 actually turned out to be end of the world for us.

I had lost my best friend, philosopher, guide; a sine qua non for my existence !

But tension nhi leni Papa. I am desperate to meet you.

[People used to call me my father's PA. I know sarna ni mere bagair Jada der.]





Some Related Events:

All the bills of the hardware shop were cleared on 12 July in cash.

Matrimonial advertisement for my brother was also submitted to the Tribune office on 12th evening. The ad got published in July 14th edition. But nobody of us has ever seen.

I was with him while clearing the bills for medical shop & our milk vendor just a couple of days back. Didn't realize that I'll be dealing with all such things next time independently.

Got a sum of Rs. 35000 cash from the almirha. The exact pending fee for my M.Tech.

We had attended my cousins marriage at Chandigarh on 8 July. Had the night stay at Ropar. Papa wished & we ate gol gappas at one of the best locations of Chandigarh. This was not usual.

On our way back, we had Chocobars at Jabli. This again was not usual.