Wo Kehti Hai..............

Wo kehti hai ke mujh layak nahi,
Main samajhta hun main us layak nahi,
Magar dard dur rehne ka dono hi samajhte khoob hain.

Wo kehti hai ek frame mein nahi dekhti mujhe saath apne,
Hairani is baat ki nahi,
Balki is baat ki hai ke itne saalon baad bhi uski nazron mein mandap pe dusri seat khaali hai.

Usey lagta hai main seh na paunga behavior uska,
Ab kaise samjhayen is behavior ke chalte hi to aaj tak kisi aur ko notice karne ki hasrat na hui.

Kehne ko to wo mujhe khud se dur karti hai,
Phir dil ke sabhi raaz mujhse discuss karti hai.

Banti to khud ko badi Don hai,
Par bhul jaati hai dhoka khud ko hi de rahi hai.

Meri nazron se dekhe to maloom ho usey,
Badmaash nahi balki kitni sensitive ladki hai wo.

Jo khud ko nazar andaz karke couples ke dress color combinations ko observe karti hai,
Bachpan ke khilono ki tarah sabhi yaadon ko har waqt apne sath rakhti hai,
Gift mili har choti se choti cheez ko sambhaal ke rakhti hai,
Uski wajah se kisi aur ko dukh na pahunche isliye khud dukh seh leti hai.

Chaahe laakhon us se behtar hi kyun na hon,
Usey kaise ehsaas karayen ke hamari nazron mein wo hi anmol hai,
Keval uske liye hi jiye hain hum,
Aur ye koi philosophy nahi,
Balki jeevan ki sachaai hai,

Aur aisi hi rahegi.

Aakhir humein milna hi tha Humdum,
Chaahe kisi raah bhi nakalte.......!

YOU are my Confidence, my Faith, my God

Zinda hun lekin wo baat nahi hai, Haathon mein Tera jo haath nahi hai....

Each day seems to be a date now,
I have killed these years without you my Darling, sincerely challenging the Gods while sleeping that I do not wake up ever if they do exist,
I used to curse them badly the moment my sleep got broke & I found myself alive,
Why did they leave me alive if they can't help me be with my LIFE?

I used to pray that the vehicle that I am traveling in meets an accident & only I die.
Even tried having super salty solutions a couple of times but not much electrolyte imbalance plus death, rather started having a hate feeling for salt.
I used to drink water outside, even at the most prone areas with a hope that I catch up some Hepatitis type infection like I got in 2007 & this time I do finally die,
But I was never that lucky.

I had actually found only 2 reasons worth living for,
I thought I had lost the first one in the year 2009,
The other blow came in the year 2012- this one being irreparable.
The life came to a halt, a direction-less journey to nowhere.
All became just a social formality.

I used to have a nice sense of humor, fond of listening to music,
All got lost somewhere.
Stopped looking at the mirror while dressing, polishing shoes, didn't purchase any new clothes, stopped writing.
Bound myself into a room with a few irrelevant books.

Used to go to the Univ once a while,
But that used to pinch like hell.
Something was missing.
Thought a lot, forgot a lot.
But couldn't help.

I wanted to revive myself,
I wanted to get my LIFE back.
Was hard to accept the realities.
Although there was a dead sure Confidence,
But feared exercising the same.

Had waited for long,
Just for the right time.
I thought I could handle this pain forever,
But I lost here.

I just believe its not too late.
Have grown up listening that it is never too late to do anything if you make up your mind once.
Existence of God for me now is based on the fulfillment of ONLY ONE WISH.
I don't want anything else.

Now I can say that somewhere the so called God has been a bit kind in making us meet once again.
I can only pray & hope for a happy ending to our so called love story. Afterall, the end result does matter.

I can say that your presence has brought a genuine smile on my face after a long-long time.
I am really fed up of tackling this mean world alone.

Taking decisions has always been difficult task for me.
Right from handling significant amount of money, whether to create FD, RD, put into PPF, how to file income tax return, how to handle the family pension account in the name of my mother to what color to be painted on the walls, how the shifting of home is to be undertaken-all these decisions were not easy at all.

Those who now project themselves to be my closest to the extent as considering me for their daughter that too mentioning age old stories, were nowhere to be found.
I managed everything on my own.

The shlok from Shiv Chalisa proved to be true : 

Maat, Pita, Bhrata Sab koi, 

Sankat mein poochat nahi koi!

I found myself walking alone on the Chhota Shimla - Pari Mahal road as a routine carrying things to be shifted. I had this task left unfinished by my father to be completed.

Used to cry while cleaning the house, fixing tubelights and what not;
Always expecting a call from my only 2 most dearest people.
Even a sight of whom used to relive all my worries.
A special kind of Confidence not found elsewhere,
A Confidence that everything will be fine.
A Confidence that I am not alone.
A Confidence that this shall also pass.

Whenever in a fix, I used to close my eyes and predict what they would have done had they been in the same place.
Even the wall colors were decided by me as per their choice.
Blue in my room, maroon in the drawing area came out to be easy choices for me based on the favorite colors of my most favorite person.

I don't know whether it's right or wrong to say so, but I can't afford to lose you now.
I tried once but lost from myself. I am not that brave.

If given a wish, I want to sacrifice everything but I would ask ONLY for YOU from God.
 
Everything feels secure with you around.
I seriously get afraid when you go out of sight.

I maybe behaving like a child, but I am actually fed up acting like elders now.
I am the smallest at home but these years have made me act like a very brave mature person.
But truly speaking, I am not that brave, the child in me could never come out freely.
Firstly, it was school, then career, family etc, isi mein time nikal gaya saara.

Tab delay karte rahe, ke apne liye kuch karenge ya maangenge jab sahi time aayega.
Jab khade hue apne pairon pe, to ye ni samajh aata ke maangun kis se.

Kaash I could tell my father today, ke Papa mere liye ek baar baat karlo yaar.
And I know for sure ke mere itna kehne se pehle hi unhone khud pahunch jaana tha to talk about me.
He used to get sad to feel that I have sacrificed something I could not live without for his sake, taaki Unko bura na lage.
On his repeated conversations, I used to change the topic just in wait for the right time.
Wish I could tell him today to talk on my behalf as the right time has finally come according to me, for which I had waited for sooooooooooo loooooooooong.

I don't do something until I am fully comfortable myself,
Yahi baat thi jisne pehle marwa diya mujhe,
But pata nhi why, I still feel that I was not wrong in my place.

And that's not something I am just saying for the sake of saying but I do mean each & every word I utter.
Either I do something whole heartedly, or I don't do that at all. But I can't bear anything just for formality.

I know I am being rudely selfish, perhaps for the first time in life. But its for a reason. At this point of time too,
Je Tun agge lang geya, Tenu fark ni paina,
Par je hun vi main piche hat geya, mera kakh ni rehna !!

I really cannot fake myself anymore.
I cannot resist to accept anymore that I cant live without my LIFE.

Unfortunately I cannot bring back my Dad but at least there is one more invaluable person whom I can pray for.

And I just hope I am not doing something very wrong.

Am I ?????

Happy Valentine's Day

Yakin ki hadd ke paas-pass,
Dil ko bharam ye ho raha hai,
Ke Unko humse Pyaar hai.....
Ke Unko humse Pyaar hai !

Let me proclaim to the world my dear, with your due permission, that I would like you to be mine. 

I may not be the perfect choice for you,

But neither have I met anybody 100% PERFECT till now.

You might have many better choices,

But maade to hum bhi itne jada ni hain shayad.

Differences hum dono mein bade hain,

But I have studied that similar forces repel each other.

Forgetting about the past,

Here I am with wide-open arms.

Just waiting !

Just waiting !

Just waiting !

Just waiting for your return !!

Some background music also needs place here:

Intehaa Uske Intezaar ki kis kadar rahi hogi,
Dekh kar jise aankhon ne saari nami riha kar di !!
------For the very special moment


Hey, dearest Cloud, down on my knees, I request you to come floating into my life,
No longer to carry rain or usher storm,
But finally to add color to my Sunset Sky. 
Will you ??

Kade keha si Tun........

This article was prepared on paper towards the end of year 2010. At that time, I had job offers from Tata Consultancy Services, Tech Mahindra, also to be National Chief Marketing Head at FreshersWorld, various Internship offers from Microsoft India Development Center, option to pursue MS/PhD from MUM, Iowa or any reputed institution etc. But I left everything for reasons still unknown. Maybe, because my Motivating M FACTOR, behind all these achievements was missing. 

A lesser known fact to the world is that I also appeared for an SSB interview at Allahabad (the so called Rejection Center) in 2010 (TGC entry), just out of curiosity. I was the first one to be screened in from the batch. Performed those silly tasks for the first time in life and that too quite impressively about which even I was at first doubtful. The entire board was shocked to hear a NO from me in the Conference to their last question whether I really wanted to join the Army.

At another instance, I also cleared the UPSC's CAPF exam but willfully remained absent from the next rounds of the selection process. I had to tell a few people that I got medical out; To some I told that I got out in the ground tasks, just because nobody believes hearing the Truth these days.

Na, I had some other tastes & priorities. 

I should say that I had left everything to the Destiny-to the Free Flow of events. I cannot spoil my life imitating others, that too for no good reason.

I could not manage typing this article then & hence it was not published on this blog. But today, thankfully due to some public demand, I am able to present it here for The sincere reader.

DISCLAIMER: By no means I intend to hurt anybody's sentiments.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke Bilaspur/ Hamirpur/ Chandigarh/ Hoshiyarpur/ Jalandhar ni jaana paina.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke ghar deyaan ton bahar ni jaana.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke haddon bahar ni jaana.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke wich pardesaan vi naal hi jaana.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke ik-dooje de wagair ni reya jaana.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke menu gharon bhaja ke le jaana paina.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke meri behan de through mere ghar wadna paina (je hundi te).

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke saari umar saath nibhaana.

Kade keha si Tun,
Ke  PERFECT MARRIAGE MATERIAL haan main.

Kade pucheya si Tun,
Ke B.Tech ton baad ki karna.

Wekh lai, aj asi Pune-Bangalore rehan joge ho gaye,
Foreign assignments ate bahar education lain joge ho gaye,
Tere-Mere ghar deyaan naal gal karan joge ho gaye.

Saari gallan chadd,
Aj asi Tere ghar jaan joge ho gaye.

Tenu bhajaun joge ho gaye,
Teri Maa naal gal karan joge ho gaye.

Jine muhon kaddi har gal poori karayi hai,
Us Sheran Waali da shukraana,
Tere shahar karke aawange.

Thehar ek mahina,
Tere shahar nu salaam karke aawange.

Dukh taan bas eho hi hai,
Jis layi sab mangeya si,
Aj ohi mere naal nahi hai.

Maneya ke saara kam kharaab karan wala main hi si,
Kise ton menu koi gila nahi.

Par eh afsos zarur hai,
Ke jadon pugauniyaan hi ni si,
Te ini saari gallan kahiyaan hi kyun si.

Jede hunde si awaazan dooron maarde,

Aaj kolon di lange, bina bol ke.

Jehde kade saunde vi ni si bina bol ke,

Hun comment vi anonymous paa gaye:

Kade saahan toh pyaara si jo aakhde,
Aj assi KAUN ho gaye.

 Hun baariyan vi ohna bandh kitiyan,

Jo rakhde si boohe khol ke.

Oh waqtan de naal ucche ho gaye,
Niveyan di lodh na rahi.

Saanu kaudiyan nu pher kehda puchda,
Jad heereyan di thod na rahi.

Saanu sone ton vi mehnge mull dass ke,

Kakhan de bhaa gaye tol ke.

Eh taan yaar iddan hi hundi aayi hai,
Nava dastoor na koi.

Rakh oye Vikram dardaan nu dil ch chupa ke,

Fayda ki hai dukh fol ke.

***

Main kenda vi si -
"Bache, Aashiq, Fakir sada masoom hi rende ne,
Ik vishwas che hi zindgi kat lende ne"

Hun vi main uthe hi khada haan,
Jithe aakhri var vekhya si Tain,
Te uthe hi hamesha khada milaanga Tenu,
Bas ik aas che..........

Bas ik aas che.......
That one day you'll return,
You'll return to be MINE, ONLY MINE, FOREVER ...!