Each day seems to be a date now,
I have killed these years without you my Darling, sincerely challenging the Gods while sleeping that I do not wake up ever if they do exist,
I used to curse them badly the moment my sleep got broke & I found myself alive,
Why did they leave me alive if they can't help me be with my LIFE?
I used to pray that the vehicle that I am traveling in meets an accident & only I die.
Even tried having super salty solutions a couple of times but not much electrolyte imbalance plus death, rather started having a hate feeling for salt.
I used to drink water outside, even at the most prone areas with a hope that I catch up some Hepatitis type infection like I got in 2007 & this time I do finally die,
But I was never that lucky.
I had actually found only 2 reasons worth living for,
I thought I had lost the first one in the year 2009,
The other blow came in the year 2012- this one being irreparable.
The life came to a halt, a direction-less journey to nowhere.
All became just a social formality.
I used to have a nice sense of humor, fond of listening to music,
All got lost somewhere.
Stopped looking at the mirror while dressing, polishing shoes, didn't purchase any new clothes, stopped writing.
Bound myself into a room with a few irrelevant books.
Used to go to the Univ once a while,
But that used to pinch like hell.
Something was missing.
Thought a lot, forgot a lot.
But couldn't help.
I wanted to revive myself,
I wanted to get my LIFE back.
Was hard to accept the realities.
Although there was a dead sure Confidence,
But feared exercising the same.
Had waited for long,
Just for the right time.
I thought I could handle this pain forever,
But I lost here.
I just believe its not too late.
Have grown up listening that it is never too late to do anything if you make up your mind once.
Existence of God for me now is based on the fulfillment of ONLY ONE WISH.
I don't want anything else.
Now I can say that somewhere the so called God has been a bit kind in making us meet once again.
I can only pray & hope for a happy ending to our so called love story. Afterall, the end result does matter.
I can say that your presence has brought a genuine smile on my face after a long-long time.
I am really fed up of tackling this mean world alone.
Taking decisions has always been difficult task for me.
Right from handling significant amount of money, whether to create FD, RD, put into PPF, how to file income tax return, how to handle the family pension account in the name of my mother to what color to be painted on the walls, how the shifting of home is to be undertaken-all these decisions were not easy at all.
Those who now project themselves to be my closest to the extent as considering me for their daughter that too mentioning age old stories, were nowhere to be found.
I managed everything on my own.
The shlok from Shiv Chalisa proved to be true :
Maat, Pita, Bhrata Sab koi,
Sankat mein poochat nahi koi!
I found myself walking alone on the Chhota Shimla - Pari Mahal road as a routine carrying things to be shifted. I had this task left unfinished by my father to be completed.
Used to cry while cleaning the house, fixing tubelights and what not;
Always expecting a call from my only 2 most dearest people.
Even a sight of whom used to relive all my worries.
A special kind of Confidence not found elsewhere,
A Confidence that everything will be fine.
A Confidence that I am not alone.
A Confidence that this shall also pass.
Whenever in a fix, I used to close my eyes and predict what they would have done had they been in the same place.
Even the wall colors were decided by me as per their choice.
Blue in my room, maroon in the drawing area came out to be easy choices for me based on the favorite colors of my most favorite person.
I don't know whether it's right or wrong to say so, but I can't afford to lose you now.
I tried once but lost from myself. I am not that brave.
If given a wish, I want to sacrifice everything but I would ask ONLY for YOU from God.
Everything feels secure with you around.
I seriously get afraid when you go out of sight.
I maybe behaving like a child, but I am actually fed up acting like elders now.
I am the smallest at home but these years have made me act like a very brave mature person.
But truly speaking, I am not that brave, the child in me could never come out freely.
Firstly, it was school, then career, family etc, isi mein time nikal gaya saara.
Tab delay karte rahe, ke apne liye kuch karenge ya maangenge jab sahi time aayega.
Jab khade hue apne pairon pe, to ye ni samajh aata ke maangun kis se.
Kaash I could tell my father today, ke Papa mere liye ek baar baat karlo yaar.
And I know for sure ke mere itna kehne se pehle hi unhone khud pahunch jaana tha to talk about me.
He used to get sad to feel that I have sacrificed something I could not live without for his sake, taaki Unko bura na lage.
On his repeated conversations, I used to change the topic just in wait for the right time.
Wish I could tell him today to talk on my behalf as the right time has finally come according to me, for which I had waited for sooooooooooo loooooooooong.
I don't do something until I am fully comfortable myself,
Yahi baat thi jisne pehle marwa diya mujhe,
But pata nhi why, I still feel that I was not wrong in my place.
And that's not something I am just saying for the sake of saying but I do mean each & every word I utter.
Either I do something whole heartedly, or I don't do that at all. But I can't bear anything just for formality.
Either I do something whole heartedly, or I don't do that at all. But I can't bear anything just for formality.
I know I am being rudely selfish, perhaps for the first time in life. But its for a reason. At this point of time too,
Je Tun agge lang geya, Tenu fark ni paina,
Par je hun vi main piche hat geya, mera kakh ni rehna !!
I really cannot fake myself anymore.
I cannot resist to accept anymore that I cant live without my LIFE.
I cannot resist to accept anymore that I cant live without my LIFE.
Unfortunately I cannot bring back my Dad but at least there is one more invaluable person whom I can pray for.
And I just hope I am not doing something very wrong.
Am I ?????
